As ever, James B was as far off the pace as me in the year 11 cross-country race.
When Leigh-Anne Pinnock, probably the most astute faithful of the series, brought up James A being a potential traitor over breakfast, James B sarcastically replied: “I think that’s a good theory to start banishing the most innocent.”
Sharon – aka Poundland Poirot – failed to appear in the dining room, having been chosen for the chopping block so soon after escaping banishment, throwing all the faithfuls into more confusion. She was getting a bit stressed, so it was probably for the best.
Michael had a warning for the traitors though, giving his most rousing oratory since his motivational speech for the Welsh fuckball team ahead of the 2022 World Cup.
“Wankers… today is going to be a living hell for you, I am going to push and push and push and you are going to suffer today. This is the apocalypse.
“Vengeful daddy is in the house today.”
Theories were soon flying left right and centre, with Bash throwing the spotlight on “the head of the round table” Michael, Kenny putting suspicion on James B, while Romesh pointed the finger at actual traitor Maya, shock, horror.
And the obsession with the peacock perfume wasn’t going anywhere.
Finally Michael ‘Vengeful Daddy’ Sheen seemed to be on to something, telling a shell-shocked Maya in the kitchen: “I think you could be a brilliant traitor, and if you and Kenny paired up, amazing.”
She was probably relieved when the jeeps turned up for another day trip, and Romesh was all of us with his hilarious reaction to news of yet another insane mission.
On being told by host Claudia Winkleman that they had to find the severed heads of some of the murdered celebrities and reunite them with the head of the buried body, he got the giggles: “It’s just so ridiculous. I love it though!”
James B tried to get one group in the Frankenstein-style lab to sing his hit Beautiful – which had Leigh-Ann and Michael bopping along but by the puzzled look on Kenny’s face, he had clearly never heard it. Awks.
This mission was a bit of a rehash of the wailing in the well challenge from the first Celebrity Wankers series, with Claudia going full headteacher and cheering – or should we say, shouting – the teams on.
Digital versions of the dead celebs in bell jars had to be matched to the correct gravestone in the castle gardens.
“Seeing Ross’s face when he was alive was enough to give a man pause, let alone when his dismembered head is looking out at you from a pickle jar,” quipped Michael.
Back at the castle, it seemed that Michael wasn’t the only one starting to turn up the heat on Maya.
Romesh and Bash decided she had gone under the radar long enough: “One of the greatest gliders in the game. Maybe Olympic level gliding,” mused Bash. And King Kenny was also in their sights.
And so to the penultimate round table. (A shout out to Claudia’s sequin-tastic midnight blue trouser suit).
Michael was under the spotlight first due to his presence, intelligence and status as “the father of the table.”
In turn, he first went back to his previous suspicion of Leigh-Anne on the night of the murder in plain sight, accusing her again of using her Big Mix dance with Miranda as a distraction.
Romesh put heat on James B due to his vocal accusations, which were often wrong.
The quiet ones – traitors James A and Maya – were then questioned by Michael and James B, who soon honed in on the murder in plain sight, working out that Maya, Kenny and James A were in the library at the end of the night when Ross was killed.
Vengeful Daddy was indeed in the house, and James B was on the money for once. Credit where it’s due.
Then the bombshell of the series – something that has never happened before in the history of the show.
James A, who failed dismally to defend himself against Michael’s accusations, clearly couldn’t take any more and confessed he was a traitor at the table.
“I was made a traitor without wanting to be,” he revealed, as the others gasped.
“I’ve had a unique experience on this that no-one has had before, I wanted to be a faithful and that’s all I wanted to be. But I couldn’t just say ‘guys, vote for me.'”
At least no-one had to explain their decision when they all wrote his name down on the boards.
And as Michael and Maya stood round the firepit before heading to bed – or the turret in Maya’s case – she looked like a dead woman walking. And DSI Sheen is on her case.